Wednesday, August 24, 2005


8/24/05 Emergency Meeting Transcript


F. McCourt: Alright, is everybody here?

DePodesta: Tracy's conducting interviews. He'll be here shortly.

Ng: Jamie, where's your son Drew?

J. McCourt: I told Drew to fetch me some aloe vera. I got sunburned a bit during the game.

Ng: During a night game?

J. McCourt: I'm so white that I'm practically an albino, you know.

Lasorda: Can we order some meatball subs or something? This is going to be a long meeting, right? I mean, I haven't eaten since the 3rd inning!

J. McCourt: (pulling out cell phone) Drew, get us some munchies too... Just go into the clubhouse and take some from the post-game spread... How can THEY be hungry? They did nothing today!... Don't forget the aloe vera. (hangs up) Food's on the way, Tommy.

F. McCourt: Let's start the meeting now. First, let's discuss the team record and what we can do to turn this around. Paul, let's start with you. What can we do to fix the situation?

DePodesta: Well, there's been a lot of injuries to key players. What can you do except hope that they heal and return?

Lasorda: That's it? Injuries? Just injuries? Where's the team camaraderie and chemistry? We have our best player crying on TV warbling on about the injustice to "his people", for Christ's sake!

DePodesta: They DON'T have to like one another. Just play hard, avoid stupid mistakes, and don't overmanage.

F. McCourt: Wait a minute, what do mean by "overmanage?" Are you pinning the blame on Tracy?

DePodesta: To some degree, yes. But I will say that I respect his opinions still, and I think the players do, too. Although lately he's been taking it right on that pointy chin of his...

Tracy: Sorry I'm late, folks. The reporters were all over me just now. Simers kept bugging Kent with a toy monkey he called the "Bradley Monkey," and it took a while to calm Jeff down after he stuffed the little monkey into Simers' mouth. Whew. What'd I miss?

F. McCourt: Perfect timing, Jim. Have a seat. Let's talk about Milton. I defended Milton on national TV - NATIONAL TV! - last year after he went berserk, and now he's blowing up again like a 4 year old. What more can I... What's that I smell off you, Jim? Is that whiskey?

Tracy: Uhhh, no, that's my new aftershave. It's supposed to be a hit with the ladies! Kimmy, do you like it?

Ng: No. And don't call me Kimmy, Jimbo.

Lasorda: Hey Trace, can I try some of your "Eau de Captain Morgan"? Thanks. (Gulp.) Yowza! Where's that damned sandwich, Jamie? I need something to wash down El Capitan!

J. McCourt: Paul, be a dear and trade seats with me. Tracy reeks. Literally reeks.

DePodesta: I don't want to sit next to Jim, either.

Tracy: C'mon, sit next to me, Paul! You can give me a little lineup advice, and I can continue to ignore them! Heh Heh Heh!

DePodesta: That's real funny, Jim. By the way, your payroll check will go out under the name "Buntminster Fuller" from now on.

Tracy: Sure, 'ombre. What the hell does that mean, though?

J. McCourt: I got it! That's was lame, Paul.

DePodesta: Sorry.

Lasorda: Godammit! I'm sick of watching these scrubs wearing Dodger Blue. Gio Carrara? What is that, a convertible? And what about that Jason Whatshisname?

Ng: Which Jason?

Lasorda: The funny-looking one who runs after flyballs as if he's walking through a minefield!

Ng: We sent Grabowski down a few weeks ago.

D. McCourt: Food, everyone! Here's your lotion, mom.

Lasorda: Oh,...(Eating noise.) good! Paul, when we needed help a few years ago, I got Shaw, Perez, and Grudzielanek. All you got this year was Jose Freakin' Cruz!

DePodesta: But Tommy, you traded away Konerko! And that team went nowhere anyway.

Lasorda: I did something at least, didn't I?

Ng: Sort of like not knowing the transaction rules and begging Shaw to come back after he bailed out of his contract?

Lasorda: Why you little...

DePodesta: You're from Ohio, right Jim? Just how far is your hometown from Cincy?

Tracy: Fire me and find out, kid. While you're at it, take your laptop and shove it up-

J. McCourt: Stop acting like children and shut up already! Not you, Drew.

F. McCourt: Calm down, everyone. We accomplished absolutely nothing during this meeting, but... Who took my sandwich? Gimme that!

D. McCourt: Hey, that's mine! Give it back, dad! I licked it!

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